Well, it has been a long break from the blogging world; mostly not by choice. Grad school is super intense. It’s been a struggle balancing working full-time, doing grad school full-time, and trying to maintain some sort of social life, as well as trying to spend time with my family.
Nothing has really changed overall, except that I am struggling, mentally. Not a struggle in the sense of being unaware of my blessings and accomplishments, but struggling in a way of letting comparison steal my joy, rob my confidence in the way my life has unfolded, and given me doubt for the unknown of the future.
If you ask anyone that has talked to me for more than 10 minutes, I am sure they know that marriage is not on the top of my priority list. It’s not that I don’t have an excellent example of good marriages, because I do, it just scares me to dive head first into a life of complete vulnerability and honesty with a person who is going to love me through it all; to be a part of something that God created for two people; to embrace the certainty embedded in the vows that make up a marriage; and to finally escape the title of “single”. Buttttttt, the season of life I am currently in, is filled with marriages; with babies; with companionship. I am surrounded by this “social norm” that by a certain age you are supposed to be married, and at this certain age you should have kids, and this certain age you should do this and that.
It is so much pressure. It is like I have this ticking time bomb around my neck, and if I don’t do things by a certain time, then I’m going to explode. This pressure, mixed with the stress and anxiety that accompany my life right now with school and work, have just become overwhelming.
Depression is a disease, and I have it. It’s not something I talk about, but it’s reality. Depression is not something that “normal” people can understand completely. It’s something only you, or someone else with depression, can understand. It is the monotonous answer of “nothing” to the question “are you okay?” or “what’s wrong?” Nothing slowly clots your arteries. Nothing slowly numbs your soul. Caught by nothing, saying nothing, nothingness becomes you. Depression reinforces self-doubt and feelings of worthlessness.
Therefore, it is justifiable to be frightened at the thoughts of disappointment, worthlessness, and hopelessness for not meeting the “social norm”; however, God says, “don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand”. (Isa. 41:10) And who knows, maybe He is keeping me right where I’m at, outside the “social norm”, to build my faith in a dungeon cell, during the valley in my life where it’s too dark to see, and too hard to believe. To build my dependence on Him when I’m barren and empty, to see if He is truly all I desire and all I need. To see how well I will trust and serve Him when I’m still stuck in the background somewhere, doing seemingly nothing too significant for Him. To build my trust in Him when the storm keeps raging, the battle keeps going and breakthrough and victory doesn’t seem near. It is a constant battle to not let this “waiting period” make me hopeless about what tomorrow will bring.
this. is. my. struggle.
Passion makes a person stop eating, sleeping, working, feeling at peace. A lot of people are frightened because, when it appears, it demolishes all the old things it finds in its path.
No one wants their life thrown into chaos. That is why a lot of people keep that threat under control, and are somehow capable of sustaining a house or a structure that is already rotten. They are the engineers of the superseded. Other people think exactly the opposite: they surrender themselves without a second thought, hoping to find in passion the solutions to all their problems. They make the other person responsible for their happiness and blame them for their possible unhappiness. They are either euphoric because something marvelous has happened or depressed because something unexpected has just ruined everything. Keeping passion at bay or surrendering blindly to it – which of these two attitudes is the least destructive?