when nothing feels like enough

I’m going to be brutally honest right now. I’m not happy. I’m not telling the world this for attention or sympathy. I’m making it known so I can have accountability to change it. The way I’m living is every bit unfulfilling. There is a distance in my relationship with my parents. There is a constant feeling of sadness in my soul. All I want to do is sleep so I can forget about how I feel. I drink to take away pain and anger. I smoke to numb the world. This is real. I make my life seem like it’s all together, but it’s not. I smile to trick my mind into thinking it’s happy, but I’m not. I have support from my family. I have support from my friends. I know I can trust Jesus to take all my anxiety and depression and negative self-image away, but something is stopping me. My own ego. Grad school is stressful. It’s so much work to do while working full time. It’s a lot on my plate at 24 years old. There is pressure to get married, but hell, I can’t even land a boyfriend. There is pressure to look a certain way, and act a certain way, and be a certain size. There is so much pressure. Sometimes I feel like I’m living underwater because I’m overwhelmed with the world and who it tells me I should be. I read a quote today that said “find yourself, and be that.” The next few weeks I’m going to try to find myself because right now it’s lost in the depths of something I can’t seem to control. Thank you to everyone who loves me because without you I couldn’t have made it this far. So here is to transformation and renewing of my mind and soul. Who’s with me?!

  
stay beautiful! xoxo

chels

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