have you ever been walking through your house, or driving your car, or just sitting in front of the computer and you just burst out in tears? what about feeling alone and helpless when you are surrounded by a ton of people that love you? okay, okay, what about knowing you want the best in life, but you settle for less because you think you don’t deserve the best?
have you been filled with all that self doubt and isolation? i know i have. I’m not scared to admit that those are two things that i have struggled with since October of 2008- and it goes like this:
There was this guy, we’ll call him Bob, and he wanted to start hanging out… Well after a couple of months of casual hang outs, I was hooked. By July 2009 I proclaimed my loyalty to Bob, meaning it with my whole heart. The problem was, was that the loyalty I offered and gave was never reciprocated. I knew the life of Bob, well at least what he told me about, but there was definitely more to it than he dared to reveal. I lived in denial, only allowing myself to fall more in love with the man i wanted him to be, instead of accepting the reality of what he actually was. He told me not to drink, or go to parties, or hang out with most of my friends. I became isolated. I waited by the phone on his call so i could leave my house to see him. I spent my free time doing his homework if he needed; I spent more money on him than i ever should have, buying shoes and transferring money into his account. i became depressed and very co-dependent. despite my best efforts to be everything he wanted, Bob said i would never be enough. he was verbally abusive, regularly calling me stupid, ugly, and fat. he always said we would never be together, but he still wanted, even needed, me to be around, to “rock” with him, to be someone on the side that would always be there. Bob moved away in May 2010, and we said goodbye. i was heartbroken, that who i thought was the love of my life, was gone, and never coming back; at least for me anyway. well, July 2011 came around and he was back. this time we actually did end things for good. we parted on good terms, but i still felt like a piece of me left with him. The May of 2011 before Bob did come back i met someone that saved me, both physically and emotionally, we’ll call him Harry. Harry showed me how to enjoy life again, with people that cared about me. He gave me love and pulled me from my darkest and lowest point in life, and to him i will forever have love and gratitude. i don’t think i would be alive today without his sincere care, support, and light heartedness. Anyways, I didn’t talk to Bob for a long time. he would randomly call or text, but i never responded. I finally did respond sometime early this past year and Bob told me he wanted to see me. A couple months went by and he came back at me saying he wanted to see me again. (let me address the fact that Bob now has a kid and is in a “committed” relationship, when he is telling me this stuff.) there was a part of me that wanted to see him SO BAD, but there was a larger part of me that was so happy that I wasn’t that girl that he was so “committed” to and had a child with outside of marriage. the good news is, is that Bob finally grew up and cut off all communication with me about a month or so ago so that he wouldn’t ruin anything with his now fiance (Christmas time engagement, so cliche).
so what does this pitiful story have to do with self doubt and isolation? well, everything. for the past 4 years i have learned to accept myself to be less than what i am. you may think i didn’t try to get out of the relationship i was in, or didn’t try hard enough, or was stupid for staying with him, but i did try. i wanted more thank anything for my heart to let him go; for my mind to be at ease without him there, but it didn’t work. i was so wrapped up in self doubt that i couldn’t get out. i eventually started telling myself negative things only to believe them. i learned to settle for less than i deserve because i think that i am not worth it. i have placed my self worth in appearance and status, rather than who i am in the eyes of Jesus and the love i have in my heart. i learned to isolate myself to a point where i missed out on friendships, fun times, and nearly two years of college. i missed out on time that i will never be able to get back. i have over the past four years adapted a lifestyle that thrives on physical and mental negativity, emotional insecurity, and comfort in isolation.
i have a sick feeling when i think of Bob and how he seems to have ended up with everything- a good job, a beautiful fiance, and a beautiful baby; and i end up with what feels like nothing. it’s sad because i remember a time that i told myself i would rather hurt than feel nothing at all. i was at my all time when i loved Bob, and that love i gave drained my soul and changed everything. but Harry changed everything in a sense of learning to live. he tried to wipe away my self doubt and isolation with kind words and selfless support. Harry gave me life again, he helped me live even if it is with self doubt and periods of isolation.
so, from this, to whoever is reading this, be careful how you treat someone. make sure your intentions are clearly understood, don’t lead someone on just for your benefit, and make sure your actions mimic your words.
wherever you are Bob, thank you for making me a stronger person despite your constant efforts to tear me down. and wherever you are Harry, thank you for being a vital and irreplaceable part of my life, to you i will forever be thankful.
stay beautiful! xoxo